The Shock Absorber Problem
Why overextension in high-performing leaders isn't always about ambition — and what it's actually costing everyone
The Lens
You're the person the system runs on.
Not because anyone decided that. Not because it was in your job description. But because at some point you became the one who sees the gaps, fills them quietly, and keeps things moving without making it anyone else's problem.
And the system learned that about you. So it stopped fixing the gaps.
Why would it? You were handling it.
That's the shock absorber dynamic. And it's one of the most costly — and least visible — patterns in high-performing leadership.
Here's what makes it different from regular overwork.
It's not that you took on too much. It's that high-performing systems naturally route pressure toward their most capable people — and without intentional design, that routing becomes permanent. The gaps don't get fixed because they don't need to be. You're handling it.
Shock absorbers are genuinely valuable. They protect systems from impact and keep things moving when they otherwise wouldn't. But they're also designed to be replaced — and most organizations don't realize they have one until something breaks.
The leaders I've sat with in this dynamic rarely describe it as overwork. They describe it as obligation. Duty. Just what needed to be done.
And they're not wrong. It did need to be done. The problem is that "it needed to be done" became the entire story — and nobody ever asked what it was costing the person doing it.
There is a way through this that doesn't require you to stop caring, stop showing up, or stop being the person your team relies on. But it starts with being willing to look at the full picture — not just your performance, but the system you're performing inside of.
Most leaders never get that conversation. The ones who do don't forget it.
What I'm Sitting With
The shock absorber dynamic is rarely something leaders choose. It accumulates. One reasonable decision at a time, until the weight of it becomes the baseline.
What I've seen change things isn't a dramatic confrontation with the system or a sudden boundary-setting moment. It's something quieter — a shift in how a leader understands their own capacity and what they're willing to treat as non-negotiable.
You can't always change the system. But you have more agency over how you move inside it than most leaders realize. That's where the work starts.
What I'd Tell a Friend
🎙️ The Mel Robbins Podcast — Dr. Neha Sangwan on People Pleasing
This episode stopped me. The conversation reframes people pleasing not as a personality quirk but as a learned survival strategy — one that often starts early, gets rewarded, and then quietly becomes the thing that costs you most in high-responsibility roles. For those of us who grew up in collectivist cultures or environments where absorbing and accommodating was the expectation — this one hits differently. But honestly, it's worth an hour of your time regardless of where you came from.
💭 A reflection worth trying this week
Think about the leaders who shaped you early in your career. Not just what they said — what they modeled about what was acceptable to carry. Who showed you that limits were possible? Who showed you they weren't? Both left a mark. And if you're leading people now, it's worth asking: what am I modeling about what's okay to absorb? That question alone can shift something.
If this resonated, forward it to a leader who needed to read it today. And if you want to — hit reply and tell me where you feel this most. I read every response.
For those sitting with this and wondering what it looks like to actually address this within yourself or organization — I'd love to start that conversation. Hit reply or find me at raikhamisa.com.
— Rai
Rai Khamisa is a licensed mental health clinician and administrative leader writing at the intersection of mental health, leadership, and culture. This newsletter is for people ready to lead and live differently.
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